January: Noting that every adult who ever died has eaten, the Center for Science in the Public Interest demands the FDA ban food. Congress considers increased subsidies for America’s farmers. The Democrats’ new minority status notwithstanding, Nancy Pelosi declares she is still Speaker and refuses to vacate her office. Democrats unanimously support Pelosi until they discover she’s promised every one of them chairmanship of the House Ways and Means Committee and the lead on her new ABC television series, “Extreme Takeover.” Cash-strapped New York City announces a “Tutoring Fee” for each lesson in its public schools. The President departs for a vacation in Sri Lanka, Mauritius, and a Lesser Antille to be named later. At New York City’s historic New Amsterdam Theater, a chorus line of America’s elite university presidents simultaneously high kicks and pats themselves on the back for forcing Congress to end “Don’t ask don’t tell,” Yale President Richard C. Levin steps downstage and announces a new reason to ban ROTC: military coffee isn’t certified fair trade. He adds, “We got a million of ‘em!”
February: Andrew Breitbart posts video taken in the Detroit Renaissance Center showing Representative Charles Barron forming a New Black Panthers cell with a call to “overthrow the oppressive, white power structure and burn this damn country to the ground!” Al Sharpton attacks Breitbart for racism, noting that fire is part of African culture. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange announces the release of five million documents exposing secret American plans to fight enemies in case of war. Harry Reid declares “Future wars are already lost.” While on a brief, three week break in the Seychelles, President Obama is informed that fires engulfing Detroit are out of control.
March: ABC News wins a Peabody Award after it re-edits footage of several Sarah Palin interviews to give the impression that her favorite sport is buck naked hunting and her favorite book is “Red, Blue, Yellow Shoe.” Steve Jobs announces the first combination computer, telephone, and handkerchief, Apple’s micro-thin iRag. The EEOC bans radio, “to end discrimination against the deaf.” President Obama and ex-President Carter report on the status of peace talks with North Korea, when Obama abruptly departs, “to help Michelle with her packing.” Carter then compliments Kim Jong Un’s wife and reveals the North Koreans possess a terrifying new weapon: nuclear-capable, deep-water rabbits. He surrenders unconditionally. President Obama spends a quiet fortnight vacationing in Rio de Janeiro, and brags to Brazilian President Lula about the new beauty of Michigan sunsets. Tom Tancredo demands the Border Patrol take steps to prevent illegal bird immigration from Mexico. Chris Matthews denounces “right-wing, spittle-flecked hysterics in the Republican party.”
April: President Obama garners some well-deserved rest during a four-week stop in Tierra Del Fuego. An incoherently babbling Nancy Pelosi is forcibly removed from the famed “Whisper Spot” in the Capitol, sedated, and taken to St. Elizabeth’s. The NTSC begins vetting volunteers from around the nation to insure they meet Federal height, weight, and diversity standards before permitting them to fight the fires that have destroyed Detroit and are moving inexorably on to Flint. Bill Gates admits that Windows Vista was, “just an April Fool’s joke that got completely out of hand.” Cash-strapped New York City begins selling naming rights to city departments. New Yorkers exhibit a surprising new level of respect for the Gambino Department of Parking Enforcement and the Luchese Office of Health Protection. Upset by an unscreened question during his Easter Egg Hunt greeting, President Obama abruptly departs. Fortunately, J. Z. Knight is there to channel President Cleveland.
May: From St. Elizabeth’s, Nancy Pelosi announces her election as “Speaker of the Communal Room,” and appoints John Hinckley to the powerful Thorazine Committee. Keith Olbermann attacks John Boehner in terms so vile the air melts in all three homes where the show is seen. After the broadcast, MSNBC suspends Olbermann for fifteen minutes and bars him from the office coffee maker for the rest of the day. Before permitting the use of “unsafe water” to fight the Detroit-Saginaw-Lansing fire, the EPA demands testing for a two hundred page list of potentially hazardous chemicals. The Yankees drop two out-of-town series, and George Steinbrenner claws his way out of his grave to strangle manager Joe Girardi. Steinbrenner returns only when told most of his estate will be taxed at thirty-five percent if he didn’t die in 2010. The President and his family enjoy a quick, three-week stay in Målselv and Kalvaag.
June: Keith Olbermann is named White House Chief of Protocol. A thirty-five year old Islamic radical, Mohammed Muhammad Mohammad, whose fingernails were replaced with miniature bombs, gets past TSA screening and boards a plane. His plan is foiled when an alert passenger notices Mohammad attempting to light his left thumb. Janet Napolitano announces, “Once again, the system has worked,” and orders TSA screeners to remove passengers’ fingernails. Liquor sales skyrocket. President Obama enjoys brief, week-long stops in Seram, Ambon, and Buru. With East Tawas threatened, Michigan’s Governor Rick Snyder’s proclamation of “a state-wide day of prayer for rain” is thwarted when the ACLU wins an injunction stopping it.
July: Citing America’s expanding waistline, the FDA bans buffet restaurants. The regulations are so sloppily written that a specific exemption must be granted to avoid deporting Warren Buffet. Another outbreak of AIDS in adult film workers prompts porn star Ron Jeremy to lament “there are some days when I just don’t feel like getting into bed.” Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer commiserate. OSHA issues safety regulations for plastic coffee stirrers. Stung by Democrats’ increasingly vitriolic attacks on his administration, President Obama blames, “Republicans who act like mass murderers, pretend to look sad, shake head gravely, and fleem plooner swonts.” The President’s teleprompter is quietly replaced, and he takes a well-earned break in Albena, Bourgas, and Chernomorets.
August: The L. A. Weekly revives Jerry Brown’s old nick-name, “Governor Moonbeam,” when he announces massive state funding for his “Lunar Powered Night Vehicle” program. California voters pass Proposition 10-96, requiring the state to secede from reality. Ratings services discover Comedy Central has more news viewers than NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, and CNBC combined. An unrelated Gallup poll finds the public better informed about current events than at any time in the last twenty-five years. After returning from his vacation in Pitcairn’s Island, President Obama expresses regret that most fire trucks in the mid-west do not meet federal fuel economy mandates, and refuses to sign waivers allowing them to fight the fires that now threaten Traverse City. A single box of five coffee stirrers sells on eBay for $160.00. President Obama’s new vacation plans are spoiled when the Australian Government won’t consider renaming Christmas Island “Kwanza Island.” The President refuses to come out of his room until dessert.
September: After delivering a spirited, two hour tribute to a legendary win notched by the University of Nevada, Reno 1953 poker team, Harry Reid makes an impassioned plea for his bill granting citizenship to illegal casino workers, who, “when the chips were down, rolled the dice, came to America, and who now call for us not to Welsh on the ‘bet’ in the better life they want.” An impassioned Carwyn Jones, the Prif Weinidog Cymru of Wales, protests, and Vice-President Biden cracks an unfortunate “Weinidog” joke on “Good Morning America.” Secretary of State Clinton’s condescending apology inflames the situation, prompting Wales to declare war. PETA applauds the President’s response: banning Welsh Rabbit from state dinners. Furious Democrats attack Republican attempts to suspend OSHA’s new toilet paper perforation regulations as “endangering our troops.” President Obama’s vacation in Papua New Guinea is ruined when the Detroit Free-Press (printed in Windsor), runs a hurtful editorial titled, “Put Out the Damn Fire, Mr. President.”
October: The President enjoys quality time with his family in Ibiza while Attorney General Eric Holder regrets the FBI was unable to complete background checks of ten thousand out-of-state volunteers in time to save Petosky and Cheboygan. Copyright troll Righthaven begins suing websites using English words, noting that the Las Vegas Review-Journal has already used English in copyrighted material. Attempting to stay solvent, New York City begins charging pedestrians $2.50 to walk on city sidewalks. Disaster looms in the Welsh War after the President is forced to recall the Navy in the face of a Greenpeace campaign to save the Wales. A thirty-three year old Islamic radical, Mustafa Allah Jihad-Jihad, whose hair was surgically replaced with micro-thin strands of high explosive gets past TSA screeners and boards a plane. His plan is foiled when an alert passenger notices Jihad-Jihad combing his hair with a matchbook. Janet Napolitano proudly asserts, “Once again, the system has worked.” TSA screeners begin scalping all passengers. Heroin sales skyrocket. Devil’s Night in Detroit comes and goes without incident, everything having long since burned down.
November: The financial crisis in New York City is so acute, the FDIC seizes the banks of the Hudson River. Denouncing President Obama for accepting a suggestion from John McCain on the wording of a Veterans’ Day statement as, “The last hay,” the newly-released Nancy Pelosi takes a group of tourists hostage and threatens to defenestrate “one dead hick per hour” if she doesn’t get an official Boeing 787 and six cases of 1990 Buena Vista Cabernet Sauvignon. Attorney General Holder checks the FBI hostage negotiating team for ethno-sexual diversity. Bloodshed is averted when the quick-thinking House Sergeant-at-Arms rushes to Pelosi’s office and plays a tape recording of a face-lift. Beguiled by the prospect of “the beard I’ve always wanted,” Pelosi surrenders without further incident. FCC announces new rules requiring its prior approval for any “words, phrases, clauses, or sentences used to convey information,” printed or broadcast to the public. Television executives note their news programs won’t be affected because they haven’t conveyed any information in years.
December: The first broadcast of “It’s Beige …” the new PBS show specifically designed to avoid undue excitement in children, triggers narcoleptic seizures in forty-five percent of viewers under the age of ten. EEOC announces its “Campaign to End Discrimination in Employment,” has successfully placed Gitmo detainees in jobs as TSA screeners. Propofol and Demerol prescriptions overwhelm manufacturers, and the remaining U. S. airline declares bankruptcy. The FCC approves the announcement of Thomas Jefferson’s victory over John Adams in the 1796 Presidential election. Cornel West demands reparations from the Federalist Party. Salvation Army Kettles are targeted by a mysterious “Anti-Santa,” who donates large bills for his liquor, automobile, and jewelry purchases. From her office at the University of Michigan-Sandusky, Catharine MacKinnon issues a law review jeremiad denouncing “A Holly Jolly Christmas” as “unmistakable in its hyper-textual telos of the perpetuation of the prepotency of the phallocentric power structure,” noting, “If the line, ‘kiss her once for me,’ isn’t a thinly-veiled incitement to rape, I don’t know what is.” Most law professors agree she doesn’t. In cash-strapped New York City, soup kitchens begin feeding the homeless to the hungry. From his vacation home in Margarita Island, Venezuela, President Obama tearfully announces he’s not coming back, lifting the holiday spirits of Americans who hope for a change for the better in 2012.
Originally posted here.