January: Hundred watt incandescent light bulb bootlegging begins. The Vatican announces it is Mac-based, and proclaims Steve Jobs iGod. Over the counter asthma inhaler bootlegging begins. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly neon gas. Harry Reid proposes his “sure-fire economic stimulus,” a fifteen minute, seven second 1.0723% tax break on the first $23.48 of taxable income earned on the first Sunday after a Saturday in March. Republicans ridicule the idea, until a New York Times editorial excoriates them as, “Renfields who eat middle and lower class flies and spiders to serve their hyper-rich, vampire masters.” Ezra Klein openly admires Pinch Schulzberger’s restraint. President Obama makes good on his promise to bypass a recalcitrant Congress and orders the IRS to impose “Senator Reid’s much-needed middle class tax break.” Mitt Romney tells the New York Times he’ll consider a carbon tax. The President’s popularity inches up to forty-one percent. After their latest debate, no Republican candidate garners more than thirty percent support. Additional debates are scheduled.
February: Republican support plummets. The NTSB proposes a ban on blinking while driving. An attack in Vestmannæyjar, Iceland kills dozens attending a Glima match. Authorities cannot determine the motives of the suicide bomber, Burak Abd Al-Ala Abdul Fattah. In a desperate attempt to avoid funding cuts, the Navy begins naming new warships after Congressional activities. Full funding is immediately forthcoming for USS Filibuster, USS Extend And Amplify My Remarks, USS Page Molester, USS Slush Fund, USS Legal Insider Trading, USS Browbeating the Witness, USS Fool Enough of the People Enough of the Time, USS Elephantine Legislation, and USS Wined and Dined off the Record by Lobbyists. The President’s popularity rises to thirty-six percent among distracted drivers.
March: President Obama again makes good on his promise to bypass Congress, and issues an Executive Order requiring all government employees to lose ten pounds as part of his initiative to cut government waist. Claiming the former Speaker is too easily confused with their gecko, GEICO sues Newt Gingrich for trademark infringement. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly hydrogen gas. Mitt Romney tells the Boston Globe he’ll consider a junk food tax. Outraged feminists demand the San Francisco Board of Supervisors take action against “Violating, malevolent, dehumanizing male gaze,” by banning men from the streets. The Board of Supervisors proposes a compromise restricting men to the left side of streets and women to the right.
April: Angry females chanting, “Women must be left alone” disrupt the Board of Supervisors. The Board passes a ninety day waiting period for a Class D Provisional Restricted Male Vision Permit. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly xenon gas. With four of their last nine governors having gone to prison, the Illinois legislature consolidates the Illinois Department of Corrections and the Executive Branch, making the state prison at Joliet the Governor’s Mansion. Governor Quinn beams, “I’m part of the I. D. O. C.” In the Denver Post Romney announces he’d consider an asset tax. Vern Wuensche begins a startling climb in the polls, recording unprecedented support levels that almost reach the margin of error. DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz proudly announces the President’s support has soared to thirty percent among likely fringe voters. Prohibition Party presidential candidate Lowell “Jack” Fellure demands Rick Santorum change his name to “Rick Santononalcoholicbeverage.”
May: The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly helium gas. After Frank Rich pens a column decrying, “the gaudy big top for a growing national movement, the Mecca for medicine-show evangelists of the national Indignation Convention, the Christian Crusaders, the Tea Party, the Promise Keepers, and the Rent Is Too Damn High Party,” support for Jimmy McMillan tops fifty percent. Mitt Romney indicates to the Flint Journal his potential support for a poll tax. Grotesque allegations of child sexual abuse begin cropping up in Silicon Valley, followed in rapid succession by similar scandals in the aerospace, road-paving, dinette manufacturing, and dog breeding industries, sparking calls for Congressional oversight. Harry Reid personally opens Senate hearings, grimly informing industry representatives, “You’re not doing this right.”
June: The Chicago Board of Trade formally opens a trading floor allowing the public to buy and sell politicians. Political futures crash. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly argon gas. UPS announces it will follow the lead of the USPS and charge higher fees for lousier service. FedEx offers to pay for UPS’s advertising. Ron Paul promises to get the U. S. out of North America. NOW demands that Michele Bachman change her name to “Michele Bachwombyn.” The President’s approval rating skyrockets to twenty-two percent among people under house arrest. The Republican Primary reaches new lows of divisive rhetoric when Newt Gingrich texts an aide, “My childhood pet snake could beat Obama.”
July: Gingrich’s Pet Snake text goes viral. The ASPCA demands an apology. Rush Limbaugh denounces the text as insulting to invertebrates. In prepared remarks, President Obama attempts to laugh off the Gingrich remark stating, “I think he’s barking up the wrong tree.” The President’s speech writer is quietly replaced. In a move to prevent “fraud and voter discrimination in the coming election,” Attorney General Holder announces the creation of the Emergency Election Umpires, or EEU. Non-partisan representatives from the New Black Panther Party and the Zimbabwe African National Union are placed in charge. PETA demands that John Huntsman change his name to “John Certifiedfairtradeorganicharvestman.”
August: A brokered convention sees desperate Republicans nominate New Gingrich’s Pet Snake. President Obama visits Ottawa, Illinois on August 21, and Freeport Illinois on August 27, prompting the media to compare him to Abraham Lincoln. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announces her plan to balance the budget by counting the money no longer being spent to fight World War II. A bomb destroys a Bertrange, Luxembourg art gallery, massacring a several families enjoying a popular Nico Klopp exhibit. Authorities can discern no motive for the alleged bomber, Mahaz Baqi Saful Islam. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly krypton gas, earmarking .5% of the net for the estates of Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster.
September: In Charlotte, the Democrats nominate “Anybody But Obama.” Debbie Wasserman Schultz crows, “That’s the kind of dream candidate we had in 2008!” Claiming his record in office proves he is anybody but Obama, the President visits Jonesboro, Illinois on September 15, and Charleston, Illinois on September 18, prompting the media to compare him to Stephen A. Douglas. The EPA mandates household detectors for deadly ununoctium gas. The President’s approval rating hits a stratospheric eighteen percent among newly institutionalized mental patients. A suicide bomb attack shakes Schwarzenberg, Austria’s annual Schubertiade. Local officials cannot discern a motive for the alleged perpetrator, Ghazawan Tasadduq Nasrullah, although Robert Wright, a Senior Fellow at the New America Foundation, and editor of The Progressive Realist, posits Nasrullah was likely driven over the edge by the “virulently anti-Islamic nature of Schubert’s music.”
October: President Obama visits Galesburg, Illinois on October 7, Quincy, Illinois on October 13, and Alton, Illinois on October 15, sparking the media to compare him to John C. Breckenridge. George Will waspishly notes Lincoln debated Douglas in the 1858 Senate race, and Breckenridge wasn’t a participant. Calling George Will “the worstest, racist journalismist since the very beginning of newspapers in like, 1902 or whatever,” Ezra Klein demands the Washington Post drop Will’s column. Palestinian Import-Export businesswoman Quddusiyyah Aneezah Sajidah, wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Concluding her Oslo acceptance speech with the traditional ululation, Sajidah blows herself up. Surviving members of the Prize Committee refuse to rescind the award. With the election near, Americans demand household detectors for deadly political gas.
November: Occupy Wall Street calls off its threat to occupy America’s graveyards after DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz condemns the idea as vote suppression. “Anybody but Newt Gingrich’s Snake” wins the popular vote for President. Election Day is followed by Lawsuit Day, with the ASPCA and PETA representing opposite sides. Ron Paul demands recalculation of the Electoral College vote on the grounds that Delaware, Massachusetts, and Connecticut specifically rejected the Twelfth Amendment. In Limerick, Ireland’s historic pubs, explosions ruin the afternoon’s otherwise friendly fist-fights. Local authorities speculate the alleged perpetrator, Mu’inuddeen Rehmat-ullah Waqas, may have been upset by the Jameson vs. Bushmills rivalry. Matt Drudge runs a story linking the Obama Administration to massive political donations from the founder of Kwenye-PuaTech, the company that manufactures a line of EPA-approved household gas detectors.
December: Citing national security threats, President Obama bypasses Congress and personally throws the internet kill switch. His approval rating climbs to nine percent among White House staff. The Archbishop of Canterbury issues a Winter Holiday Greeting and Interfaith Message proclaiming the commonality of all mankind. He emphasizes our mutual dependence and fellowship, closing with his fervent prayer for a peacefully shared future. A passage excoriating “Pig-ignorant Catholics and filthy Jews willfully twisting Islamic concepts of love and submission,” is widely misinterpreted as having hostile undertones. Time Magazine honors the embattled cleric as Dhimbulb of the Year. Americans wonder if 2013 will be worth the trouble.