JANUARY: 2013 foists itself upon a sullen and unreceptive American public. New York City’s post-Sandy cleanup halts while Mayor Bloomberg personally ensures city workers do not put unsafe levels of sugar in their coffee. To leverage public interest in the Benghazi attack, Chrysler announces its new Dodge Responsibility. Senator Leahy introduces his Postal Email National Internal Security Act, to “thrust enhanced government protection into our communication channels by requiring prophylactic examination of potentially dangerous private emissions.” It establishes a Public Utility Directorate to abort concerns about mutual intercourse. Leahy claims his PUD “Simply codifies what we’ve been doing to Americans for years.”
FEBRUARY: A Saudi-brokered deal at the UN mandates a “proportional response” to continued rocket attacks by the Palestinians: Israel is authorized to respond by indiscriminately killing Jews in the Gaza Strip. Mayor Bloomberg closes all kitchens in New York apartments until they are inspected for potentially dangerous spices. The EPA’s Lisa Jackson, under the name Somo Therguy, mandates wind-powered automobiles, insisting car companies have known for years about the wind generated by driving. Midway through a staunchly supportive Washington Post column, Ezra Klein dies, just dies of embarrassment. The President’s latest budget compromise proposal is a fifty percent tax rate increase retroactive to the Harding Administration.
MARCH: The House Republicans’ response, a threat to shut down Executive Branch washrooms, proves hollow when Jay Carney brags he’s always been full of shit. Subaru introduces the Hasta, a car promising fifty miles per Federal mandate. Toyota buys Fiat for its name, and rapidly adds the Ukase, Edict, and Diktat models. GM counters with the Chevy Coercion, Cadillac Despot, and in an attempt at nostalgia, the Buick Recall. It proves to be aptly named for other reasons. The EPA mandates solar powered flashlights. Mayor Bloomberg demands Hurricane Sandy clean up include eliminating salt from the waters off Coney Island. President Obama’s attempt to ban guns via executive order is thwarted by a dyslexic clerk-typist hired under ADA guidelines — the order bans gnus.
APRIL: Hunger in America ends briefly through a free “Stew at the Zoo” program. California’s fiscal problems vanish when citizens of other states eagerly send billions to Sacramento if it will just shut the hell up. President Obama resumes his Apology Tour, surrendering to Mexico, Spain, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Germany, Japan, Italy, North Korea, North Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and, inexplicably, Jenkins’ Ear. In another pointed insult to Great Britain, the President not only refuses to surrender, but returns the English language. His budget offer to Republicans, “Tax the one percent at one hundred one percent,” is countered with a threat to force the White House kitchen to follow the First Lady’s food guidelines.
MAY: The President arranges to vacation out of the country for the rest of his terms. The New York Times paints an uncharacteristically favorable portrait of Republicans, “Vermin made unfit for office by their heretical hatred of the President, Praise be to Him in his Highness.” North Korea orders all fish in its waters to swim in revolutionary schools. Increasing Americans’ health care options, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius recognizes TSA airport screenings as mammograms, colonoscopies, and prostate exams, although a primary care physician’s referral will be required. Mollifying Republicans demanding smaller government, the President merges HHS, the IRS, and the TSA into the “Fitness-Income-Security Team. In charge of FIST is ex-Congressman Barney Frank, who fears uncharitable jokes about his working at the agency’s headquarters. Renaming it the hindquarters doesn’t help.
JUNE: To fight global warming, the FCC bans “There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight,” “We’re Having a Heat Wave,” and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The EEOC demands New York’s Metropolitan Opera begin affirmative action hiring of the tone-deaf. Appalled by amounts of salt and sugar consumption in city hospitals, Mayor Bloomberg bans Lactated Ringer’s solution. California Governor Jerry Brown announces his intention to run for captain of the Starship Public Private Joint Enterprise. Speaking in Maraciabo, Venezuela, President Obama offers a new budget compromise with House Republicans, “Democracy equals executive power plus rural electrification.” For the second time during the Obama administration, the CBO says it is “unable to estimate a speech.”
JULY: Van Jones takes over the CBO and estimates the President’s speech will end the deficit, erase the debt, and make wishes a practical source of rural electrification and transportation for beggars. The RNC announces an outreach effort aimed at “moderates and liberals,” naming Angela Davis its Chairwombyn. Assisting her in efforts to woo another important Democrat voting bloc is Dr. John Hicks of Columbia College. California’s fiscal woes return when Governor Brown uses the out-of-state windfall for a twenty trillion dollar high-speed rail project connecting Sacramento to Davis. Secretary of State (the late), Hugo Chavez, announces that all American diplomatic personnel will be stationed at undisclosed locations within the United States, prompting a flood of congratulatory messages from around the world.
AUGUST: Inexplicable explosions, suicide bombings, and rocket and mortar attacks hit undisclosed State Department locations within the United States. Secretary of the Inferior Susan Rice blames the first draft of a term paper written by a junior high school student in Billings, Montana. An Executive Order limiting First Amendment guarantees of freedom of speech and the press to “registered members of the fourth estate” prompts House Republicans to introduce a Fourth Estate Tax. Citing “skywocketing costs of govewnment heawf cawe, and twanspawtation secuwity” FIST Secretary Barney Frank limits changes in business or personal travel to one trip replacement per decade. Mayor Bloomberg’s latest health initiative bans the term “salt water” with taffy.
SEPTEMBER: The 14th Pyongyang Film Festival wraps with a boffo live performance by 300,000 members of the North Korean Synchronized Starving Team. Celebrity judges Michael Moore, Candy Crowley, and Jerrold Nadler, eat up the performance, and present the surviving cast member with a discount coupon good at any Kaesong Fried Chigger location. The Obama Administration declares food a “basic human right,” and nationalizes the food industry. Infuriated by this Federal intrusion on his gustatory initiatives, Mayor Bloomberg abruptly begins banning colors. Microsoft introduces “Windows Nein!” — an operating system so unworkable Bill Gates buys a Mac. To end doctrinal disputes with the Catholic Church, the DNC elevates President Obama to the Papacy. In His first encyclical, Pope Barack I announces ex cathedra no theological conflict with government-mandated birth control, abortion, or world-wide jihad.
OCTOBER: The Holy White House centralizes food supplies in a warehouse on Bishop Elizabeth Warren’s Massachusetts reservation. Addressing an adoring Albanian crowd, Pope Barack I vows, “Make no mistake, I will not rest until I track down every last despot on earth, and grovel beneath my weight.” Americans living in a small area west of the Worcester Regional Airport, east of Shrewsbury, south of the Massachusetts Turnpike, north of Holden, and outside of Washington, DC suddenly face severe food shortages. TheFDIC closes food banks to prevent runs, and the FDA distributes free Imodium. Mayor Bloomberg evades the city’s three term limit by running as Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
NOVEMBER: Cardinal Joe Biden announces he’s invented an energy creating machine and demands a patent. The Patent Office refuses, citing violations of the first and second laws of thermodynamics, but Biden confidently announces his machine’s efficacy is an article of faith. Apple’s latest iPhone app, the iRon, removes wrinkles from clothing digitally. Citing “statistical disparities in membership,” the DOJ orders the National Medal of Honor Society to admit an equal number of women. Rising mercury levels in American homes prompt the EPA to ban CFL lighting and mandate sodium bulbs, which cause only vomiting and convulsions. Declaring shelter to be a basic human right, the Obama Papacy theocratizes the Housing Industry.
DECEMBER: Two thirds of the nation’s housing stock can no longer be located. The Department of Energy requires all public buildings to use Smilin’ Cardinal Biden’s Miracle Energy Font. Republican warnings that the government cannot operate this way prove accurate, although the smattering of citizens still in private enterprise are near-unanimous in their approval. America achieves energy independence when the Holy B (as He is now known), bans the use of energy. The Department of Energy doubles in size. The Private Regulatory Interest Group’s annual list of unsafe toys names any toy a child can touch, see, hear, smell, or taste. When asked about its New Years Resolutions, an overwhelming majority of the public resolves to give up.