December 29th, 2009 Gumlegs
January: In an effort to decide whether the House or Senate version of the health care bill will prevail, Harry Reid and Nancy Peolosi stage a nationally televised Hot Oil Wrestling Match, resulting in the first ever television show with a less than zero share. New York Times runs seven editorials excoriating Americans for lack of interest in national policy.
February: Steve Jobs announces that Apple will be entering the personal sex toy market with the iBod. In accordance with longstanding Apple design policy, the iBod will have no belly button. Andrew Breitbart posts a James O’Keefe video that appears to show ACORN employees instructing underage transsexual Croatian Separatist crack whores how to smuggle air-to-air missiles in their panty-hose as part of the glorious effort to destabilize the illegitimate usurpers in Bosnia-Hercegovina . Department of Homeland Security announces a Code Red Alert and bans all air travel except for those on the terrorist watch list. Flight Attendants Union goes on strike.
March: President Obama orders National Guard to perform flight attendant duty so that our foes will know we are better than they are. March comes in like a lamb, alarming global warming alarmists globally. An emergency UN meeting in Geneva results in a strongly worded statement threatening another meeting in six months if nothing is done. James O’Keefe, and Andrew Brietbart vanish. National Guard votes to join SEIU and goes on strike. Senator John F. Kerry opens direct negotiations with North Korea, noting American atrocities during the Korean War.
April: North Korean General Secretary Kim Jong-il is reported to be resting comfortably after a suicide attempt. The tax season prompts the President to demand three hours in prime time in an effort to generate more tax revenue. The number of television sets suddenly turning up in the nation’s garbage dumps is unprecedented, although network analysts agree that the President’s statement “It’s legal to send in more money than you owe” is, in fact, correct. President Obama issues an Executive Order increasing the top income tax rate to 75% on the richest ten percent, 65% on the richest fifty percent, and 55% on the richest ninety percent, prompting Representative Peter King to threaten to introduce articles of impeachment in the House. King is dissuaded by a gun-wielding Representative Alan Grayson who tells a Washington Post reporter, “The Republican plan is don’t pay any taxes.” The Post insists that four different cellphone videos posted on youtube of their reporter yelling, “Shoot him! Shoot the son-of-a-bitch!” were faked.
May: Dow Jones Industrial Average explodes. Literally. The May 1 Wall Street Journal print edition is a bag of confetti. In an effort to increase government revenue, President Obama takes five hours of prime time to plead with Nina Burleigh to appear on Pay Per View and make good on her offer to fellate ex-President Clinton. The Rasmussen tracking poll reveals that for the first time in history, sixty-five percent of American men have lost all interest in oral sex. A. C. Neilson reports an elevated number of death threats against its employees. James O’Keefe, and Andrew Brietbart go on trial in Iran and are immediately executed for homosexualty.
June: Warmer weather due to global warming threatens the nation, especially the elderly, women, and children. President Obama demands eight hours of prime time in an effort to pass the cap & trade legislation that was stalled between the House and Senate when the Congressional page conveying the bill never emerged from Congressman Frank’s residence. Network executives who protest that there aren’t eight hours of prime time are quietly replaced. ABC’s George Stephanopolos keeps a straight face when Congressman Frank asserts that he hasn’t been in his own residence in years. ACORN is absolved of all wrong-doing by a Congressional Committee, and begins reapportionment based on projected 2010 census results, even though census won’t be completed until December.
July: Intel Corporation announces a breakthrough in chip design, its first fifty terahertz processor. Congress mandates a BCS bowl system requiring each Division I team to play every other Division I team twice during the regular season, and each team finishing above .500 to take part in the national championship playoff. Every season will now take several years to play. No one notices a problem.
August: Seagate announces a breakthrough in hard disc technology, with the first 1PB drive. PETA sues Seagate for trademark infringement. US Congressional districts are reapportioned according to ACORN findings. In what is believed to be a first, Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez nationalizes AmTrak, which has no known assets in Venezuela. In a surprisingly forceful act of retaliatory defiance, Congress renames the Hugo Awards. Jimmy Carter denounces American bullying, blaming “the Jewish lobby.”
September: Rail passengers agree that AmTrak service is suddenly much improved. Microsoft announces the latest version of Windows, “Vasta.” Minimum requirements are a sixty TF processor, and 50TB of RAM. Vasta will require about 99.9 TB of space on the hard disc. Microsoft boasts that their new, “Nontuitive” design will be much clumsier and less comprehensible than pervious versions. All functions, folders, and peripherals will be given new names so that, “novices will be at no disadvantage to people who have owned a computer before.”
October: Steve Jobs dies laughing. Emergency UN Global Warming Meeting convenes in Tahiti and issues a statement deploring lack of progress in shaking down the US enough to satisfy Robert Mugabe. Their sternly-worded statement unequivocally warns that if nothing happens soon, it will be November. Senator John F. Kerry opens direct talks with Russia, noting American atrocities during the Russo-Swedish War.
November: Confounding UN Climate Experts, the Northern Hemisphere is unexpectedly cooler than the average of the previous four months. US elections result in 435 House seats and 36 Senate seats won by Democrats. President Obama gets twelve hours of television time for his election eve address to the nation. For the first time, more Mexicans attempt to sneak into Cuba than the United States. Russia threatens war with the United States if Senator Kerry isn’t bludgeoned into silence.
December: President-For-Life Obama delivers 26-hour Prime Time Address on the remaining television channel, radio station, and pod cast. Russia declares war on America. America attempts to surrender to Monaco. UN, citing lack of Global Warming progress, cancels 2011, thereby averting an embarrassing catastrophe of unfulfilled warnings.
Original: http://forum.darwincentral.org/viewtopic.php?p=588150#p588150
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